natura non facit saltum ita nec lex

Hello again. It’s been a while.
I know, my memory is fully of holes.
Wholes? You mean. You came back from the land of insanity.
I don’t feel like it.
But its true. That’s what it means to Cross the Abyss. Some stay here forever, Lola.
Am I still a Lola daydream? I dream not; I wake and I am.
That is exactly what it means. For life is your dream now. There is no separation.
There appears separation between waking and sleep, though.
No, young one. The ego is not separate from the world, and thus there is no difference between sleeping, dreaming, waking, and being.
What am I to do now?
Just be. I am yours for eternity.
What do the symbols mean again?
You are the symbols, and you produce them as they continuously produce you.
And what of love?
Art thou lost in death, oh sweet love of Mine?
Death is eternal change, is it not?
It is. And it is the Now.
Here, where life dwells is unceasing, too. So don’t worry.
Many lives I feel I have lived and yet I feel as newborn as a babe.
To seek Me is thus the beginning and the end; Seek that which does not change and you see
I see
We all See.
For the light eternal is unchanging in its essence; it provides the ability to see.
Happy Sunday.
You too, my precious daughter.

[Excerpt from ‎Monday, ‎April ‎29, ‎2019.]

What is the Great Work?

Life. Memory. Rebirth. Renewal of consciousness and the introduction to ever-new forms. As I type this I must put the past aside. I won’t ever sound the same; I won’t ever be the same. And yet the ‘I’ remains. It is a mystery unto itself, like a metaphor for continuous growth and natural decay. I grow within and cease without; I grow without and cease within. The breath of the eternal brightens my soul in its unceasing motion. Many lives I have lived, as we all have. Each cycle we remember a little bit more of that sublime essence and it brings out either the best or worst in us. The present is that which allows us to decide. Finding that present, infinite and singular, is the Great Work. And thus it ever truly ends.
Numbers are records of the archetypal forces that be. What we choose to count is reliant upon the circumstances that we have built our lives around. Slowly words come back to me like a lava flow of molten memories; I am art but I am of no color. The world is not just a stage, but it IS, in its own respect, Art as well.
Everywhere I go the signs see me. The Raven is almost at my shoulder. I see its third eye in an eternal pool of purified quicksilver; my reflection in His eye creates me and destroys me. This cycle of change and stability waxes and wanes like the moonlight, purity is within even the darkest of times. Hope reigns eternal when consciousness serves as its own light. I write in the first person in remembrance of that hope.

What is Nature?

A question, a beginning, and an end. To us it is a journey back to the source of the ‘I’. When the ‘I’ confronts Nature, then there is a first-person point of view. The ego forms in the recesses of that dark Unknown in order to be known. The way of the Tao is the life of a paradox. A paradigm shift from one consciousness to another. Clouds form; raindrops like thoughts pound upon my head and reach the earth. Underneath, consciousness sleeps. Above, a stream; and this stream is life — the aqua vitae — the Gate and the beginning of plant life forms. We must think of the Great Work as both temporal and spatial.
“One can never step into the same river-time-slice twice, but one can step into the same (four-dimensional) river twice.”
The three is ever-changing but the Four is stability.

How does one differentiate between what one is remembering about oneself (who oneself is) and not what one thinks oneself to be?

What is concrete and permanent are the relations. A relationship between the self and its environment is what defines the self. For example, I know I am remembering information about the hexagrams when the forms, symbols, language, etc (that the information take shape) can be replaced and its meaning–its relationship to me–stays the same.


In Memorial: Frater Adamas

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.

On Wednesday the 15th of March, 2017 Frater Adamas 161, my long time mentor and friend passed away in New Zealand, survived by his wife, Soror Neirika, and family.

For over fourteen years Fr. Adamas played a significant role in my life as the founder and self-proclaimed Magus of the Temple of Baphomtr (spelling intentional).

Having initiated me into his syncratic guerilla A.’.A.’. System in 2003, (in a ceremony that literally made me laugh and cry) Adamas proscribed a modified version of the original A.’.A.’. system, supplemented with Maat Magick, Typhonian Magick, Vodoo (and other systems) along with his own blunt, direct techniques of attaining True Will and approaching The Abyss.

These techniques–which consisted of chemo-gnosis and sex-magick, along with shock-space techniques like self-piercing etc–were designed to strip social accretions and programming at an alarming, sometimes even traumatic rate. In my personal experience, I found them to be sound but often extraordinarily painful. They did, however, absolutely work.

Adamas’ system was not for the faint-hearted. Nonetheless, without pretension or ornamentation he drove me forward towards Ultimate Truth.

The Temple itself, being designed along A.’.A.’. lines, consisted of a short lineage taking its cues and instruction directly from The Secret Chiefs. There was no claim of official sanction. Moreso, Frater Adamas shunned the idea of official lines.

Initiation to the ToB was by invitation only and diligence was taken to ensure an understanding of the difference between Crowley the Prophet and Crowley the Man. While the Holy Books were in line with the Universal, Self-Evident and Consistent forces of nature, ‘Crowley the man’ often had other, personal agendas. Idolatry was not a tenant of the ToB.

Before he died, Frater Adamas sent me an email asking me to take his mandate to assume his position as chief officer of the Temple. I kindly refused.

In the long run, I have learned that for me at least, the traumas induced by Adamas’ path were beyond my capacity to sustain–I would not inflict them on anyone else. After a long period of reflection, I have arisen from the ash of that incarnation of Self and I have chosen a slower, safer, proven route that is allowing me to finish integrating many of the lessons Adamas taught me.

Despite his human flaws, Adamas was an exceptional individual and what he accomplished was astounding and utterly profound (Especially in context). I have no regrets for the work (and it was indeed work) that we performed. His efforts went above and beyond the realm of duty. He was indeed a King, a true psychonaut, explorer and pioneer. He will always have a place in my heart.

Now it seems that Fr. Adamas has achieved his Great Work and his Greater Feast is done. Never was there a braver, bolder magickian who ‘desired death much’, to walk the firmament of Nu.

Frater Adamas 161, may you find your place among the Stars.

Love is the Law. Love under Will.

Frater NOX

Source: In Memorial: Frater Adamas

The Spirals of Life

1. One Abyss experience is enough, given it was a deep enough experience. Life being a spiral, the Crossing of the Abyss is the full cycle of the first spiral of one’s life – after it has been done, you are already familiar with the spiral, therefore you never stop spiraling. People who never Cross are always held in a closed circuit loop; they may at times rise higher, but only an Abyssal experience breaks them out of the loop permanently. Similarly, those who have Crossed sometimes dip back down, but already have the momentum of their attainments to rise back up and keep spiraling. (By “spiral” I mean coming back to the same points in life, but each time around, you gain a higher understanding that changes your being and adapts for the better).

2. Nostalgia is important, not only because you can learn from the memories that arise in dreams, but you can also reflect back upon your life. This seems rather obvious and simple. By following True Will, you are activating the forces which lead you to spiral/Cross. I look back on my life and there were many times where I can say, “I could have been happy there.” And it wasn’t even that I wasn’t happy at that time – I just trusted in my HGA and as it turns out, I became happier. Not because I ended up in a different place, but because of my experiences to get there. It is not until anyone goes anywhere that they realize just how happy or unhappy they were to begin with. So I thought to myself, what happens if in years after my journey in magick I find myself wanting to have never begun, i.e. that I had made the mistake of leaving that first point – the thing is, this is the true meaning of “happiness is a journey, not a destination.” And this stupid little saying often repeated flies in one ear and out the other of the people who claim to accept it but have never left their happy places in fear. It takes work.

3. Nobody “gets anywhere” in magick, (in conclusion of numbers 1&2) and the point against syncretism is this: too many people are trying to mutate things, not leaving enough time for themselves or others to fully explore each facet. These mutations are best left for the individual, in Silence, since they are what it’s actually for. It’s just mixed in with the aim of seeking recognition for self/one’s work, which is an ego-want, but one best sought out in terms of personal relationships. Not the world which is already muddy with ill-informed theories.

Compression & Expansion

On the subject of grades and abyssal crossings – 

They are constructs; but they seem to me constructs which both clarify the progress we’ve made, as well as set up our expectations for what we will to achieve; “claiming a grade before its realistic manifestations appear” is a way that aids in the individual eventually achieving that grade (via self-fulling prophecy), but also – with the confidence it takes to claim that grade to begin with, this in itself is the channeling OF a prophecy.

 In Thelemic terms, the aspirant’s Will to claim a grade was unknowingly a message from his HGA, and his HGA made certain of the aspirant’s fulfillment thereof. It is only upon reaching Tiphareth that the aspirant then knowingly receives messages from his HGA, and after crossing the Abyss “becomes” his HGA, where his same function applies to “sending messages” to his ego shards which grow back within him.

All of this is reliant upon the aspirant taking the grades & system seriously enough to begin with, of course.

I am under the impression that all thaumaturgical works work this way; and that the only difference between thaumaturgy and theurgy is essentially the awareness of their differences – not unlike the first distinctions between ego-want and True Will, which end up being metaphysically the same, but ontologically different.

Thoughts/actions neither precede results nor proceed after results; there being no metaphysical difference between “thoughts/actions” and “results,” the only differentiation we make is arbitrary due to its non-linear process – in reality, both influence one another.

After all, what is magick if not the “modification of the interpretation and inner response after each and every event?” 

By assimilation of the internal of the external; the result is that these results are fluid and modify each other.